They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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