u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize