so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize