So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
