theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Randomize
