the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
