If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Randomize
