i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Randomize
