So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
