Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
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