my sisters under your porch take her home
Is it because I queefed?
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I have feelings that need drinking.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
