I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
