Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
