mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize