ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
