he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
