Umm I'm too high to move.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Randomize