You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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