if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
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