Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Randomize
