stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Randomize
