explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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