Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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