My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize