True but thats because hes a fetus.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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