He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
