Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
