All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
He uses pillows to masturbate.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Randomize
