There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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