piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Randomize
