I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Randomize
