So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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