i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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