I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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