just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
