my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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