Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Of course I have a pirate flag
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
