My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
