I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
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