I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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