Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
You left your phone here
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