Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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