You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
