Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
This baby is an asshole
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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