Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
