The maid of honor just puked.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
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