I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
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