happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
