I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Randomize
