I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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