this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
