I accidentally had phone sex last night
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
