the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
