Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
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