I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
