I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
