I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
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