Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Farmville is her only friend.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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