I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
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