I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
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