No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Randomize
