if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
