Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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