so... how was it???
he had bart simpson sheets. he had itunes on shuffle and "don't worry be happy" started playing when he took his boxers off. sad to say i was neither worried nor happy
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Randomize
