I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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