I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Randomize
