Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
