On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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