New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
Randomize
