ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
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