RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
