I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
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