My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
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