Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I need to sanitize my soul.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
