My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
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