I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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