I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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